I’m a single 34-year-old female in NYC. I almost never get a message from someone who interests me, partially because the men who message me are almost always much older than I am. So, I send many initial messages to men who interest me. Prior to turning 34, I got about a 10% response rate to these initial messages. Since my 34th birthday six months ago, I’ve gotten literally no replies (and I’ve sent many, many messages). I don’t know for sure that age is involved but it does seem likely. I only message guys whose “looking for” age range includes 34, though 34 is often at the top of their range (I don’t find many men who state that they’re willing to date a woman older than that.)

I’m not messaging 25-year-olds; I’d ideally like to date someone roughly my own age (say, late 20s to late 30s). These men seem to want women much younger than themselves. I can’t blame them; we’re an age-obsessed culture and I’m sure I’d prefer a younger woman if I were in their shoes, especially in NYC, which is particularly youth-obsessed. Even my 34-year-old single guy friends admit that they would not date a woman their own age.

I’ve considered lying about my age before but always rejected it because (a) it seems wrong, and (b) I’d worry that the guy wouldn’t want to see me anymore once I told him my true age. I’m considering it again now because I can’t get any dates at all. I wouldn’t claim to be significantly younger; maybe 32?

Have you done this, and what was the result? Please don’t chastise me for thinking about this; I’m fully aware that lying is wrong and it’s bad to start a relationship off on a deceitful foot – but the way things are going now, I have no relationships at all and I don’t see that changing. Sadly, lying seems like a slightly better alternative.

I think if you’re going to go down this path, perhaps the thing to do is mislead someone with your picture, using primarily those that are out of date or crafted to make you appear younger.

My assumption would be that a lot of people do that, and the likelihood of it being a standard practice counts as fair warning. But an outright lie would be the wrong start to any meaningful relationship. posted by Monsieur Caution at 8:49 PM on

I’ve been online dating (match and OKCupid) for a long time, with not much in the way of results the past few years

If you’re hoping to find someone to share the rest of your life with, then you’re starting off with a blatant lie that will be very hard to hide or explain once things get serious. Think about it. posted by special-k at 8:49 PM on [1 favorite]

Sure, you can do this but it depends on what you want out of online dating

I know people who have put down a different number in the “age” field on their profile and then clarified with their true age in the “about me” https://getbride.org/thaimaalaiset-naiset/ section — the point being to not just get filtered out by the search function but also having the real information there in their profile.

As a guy who’s gone on a lot of online dates I take the info in peoples’ profiles with a giant grain of salt, but even I’d be a little weirded out if I didn’t find out for a few dates what you actual age is. posted by no regrets, coyote at 8:49 PM on [2 favorites]